Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
