Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
