I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
