She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
