she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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