I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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