he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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