u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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