A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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