My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
