so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
