I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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