Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
