Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
