I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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