i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
