so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
