If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize