I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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