omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize