she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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