I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
