Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
