i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
