how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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