so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
