You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
