I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
