I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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