apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
