Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
