get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
