How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
