Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
