Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
