She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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