My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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