my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
