went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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