Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
