Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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