And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
