Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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