Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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