OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
