If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can I color on your dick again?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
