I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
