i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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