I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
