my soul wont recognize me after tonight
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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