She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
