are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
