I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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