The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
