I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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