Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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