I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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