and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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