I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize