im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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