Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
