I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
